My mom

It's been a hell of a winter. My baby had heart surgery on December 5th and that was the most inconsequential thing that happened over the holidays. Her surgery was an complete success and she's doing beautifully, praise the Lord! That's pretty much the only happy thing I've got, but it's a big one.

My mom got very sick just two days after Hannah came home from the hospital. We found out that the cancer spread to her liver and further into her bones. There was also some discrepancy whether or not there was cancer in her brain. The neurologist said yes. The oncologist said no. Turns out the neurologist was right. We limped through Christmas bone tired and recovering from a family-wide stomach bug. Added insult to injury.

Mom continued to get crazy confused and began to lose her ability to speak after the first of the year. They started radiating her brain. She had four treatments. The first day she walked in and signed herself in. The fourth day we carried her in and she could barely form a coherent sentence. It was on that day that I pulled the plug on treatment and we went home on hospice.

Eleven days later my mother died.

Notice I said died. I didn't use the more polite "passed away" or the Christian-ese "went home to be with the Lord". And I believe wholeheartedly that she is with the Lord. It's not that. It's just that using those phrases whitewash what really happened. What really happened was ugly, traumatic, searingly painful, and horrific. I watched my mother in those eleven days have seizures and lose her ability to say anything but chants of 'Help me. Help me. Help me.' I watched her eyes go different directions. I watched her lose her ability to swallow and control her bodily functions. I was on the frontlines for all of it. And it sucked. It haunts me in my quiet moments. I see her bald and wild eyed and afraid. I see her trying to reach out to me but unable to tell me what's wrong. It's too much to bear.

Mom has been gone for three weeks and in some ways it seems like it's been years and in others it seems like just yesterday. I'm left trying to sweep up the pieces of my life that have been strewn around in a mess for so many, many months. My life was consumed with medicine schedules, doctors' appointments, treatments, and her daily care. It was my full time job and now I'm unemployed in a sense. I don't quite know what to do with myself.

I'm trying to figure out how to do life without my mom. I'm not there yet.