Growing in Grace

My daughter found a notebook today with notes from a marriage conference we attended back when we were heavily entrenched in the patriarchal movement. These lists make me cringe. My apologies to my children for all the warped teaching we heaped upon them during those years.

Earlier today I was having lunch with a friend and I was trying to explain how we got caught up in it all. I told her that because my husband and I came into our marriage impure and quite secular, once Christ changed our hearts we wanted desperately to protect our children from making the same mistakes. The patriarchal movement was just so beautiful and sparkly with its prairie dresses and large families and homeschooling and family integrated churches and wheat grinding and Bible studies at daddy's knee (and there's nothing wrong with any of those things in and of themselves... I still love many of those things). It seduced us into it with the promise that if you just follow these principles, you'll raise godly children that will be protected from sin and heartache and they'll walk into marriage pure as the driven snow, never rebel, and their hearts will belong to their parents and to the Lord all of their days. It was exchanging Christ's righteousness and grace for a mess of pottage. I'm thankful He opened our eyes to our idolatry. I repent of all of it.

But this list, y'all. It's embarrassing.

Facebook "friends"?

I recently read a blog post which had a title much like this blog post. The premise of it was that, as Christians, we have no business in front of a screen with fake "friends" but should be in face to face interaction with real "friends". (Oh the irony that this article was posted on Facebook) Of course, most of you know by now that I've been in a rather long season of shaking off the shackles of legalism so I naturally bristle when people call things evil that are not evil. This particular blog post gave me such a reaction. But more than that, I want to defend Facebook for a few minutes because it's not only NOT evil, it has actually been a huge blessing to me and has given me a wide range of real friends (not in quotes) even though many I've never met face to face.

Before Facebook existed I lost touch with the majority of my old high school friends. Once it came along, I reconnected with many of them. I see their kids pictures and achievements. I know their struggles and they know mine. During this very dark season I've been in, high school friends that I haven't seen in 30 years came out of the woodwork to minister to us in very tangible ways; bringing food, offers to sit with my mother, offers of help with the work of closing out Mom's estate, taking me to lunch, attending my mother's funeral. That would not have been possible without Facebook.

We have a dog. His name is Buddy. We took this dog from a family who could no longer keep him. They live in South Carolina and I've never met them in person. But they have a terminally ill child and have faced a mountain of difficulties all known to me only through Facebook and blogs. I've known their family for years. When they needed to find a new home for Buddy, they put out a plea on Facebook and through a network of great dog rescue people I know, we transported Buddy from South Carolina to Alabama and he's been with us about five years now. Plus I keep up with their son and his condition and I know how to pray for him and for them every day. That would not have been possible without Facebook.

I posted daily updates on Facebook during Mom's illness and especially during her final days. It was a great one-stop-shop to keep friends and extended family informed on what was happening moment by moment. I had people I've never met from all over the country writing to me and praying for me and offering me much needed advice. I have blogging friends from back in the day when I was a serious blogger that I only keep up with now through Facebook. One posted this as a comment to one of my messy, sorrowful posts:

Angie, though we've never met I consider you a close friend and my heart is broken for what you are going through. Please know that we are praying for you and you are never far from our hearts and minds.

That would not have been possible without Facebook.

Facebook is my online journal. I have used it as therapy to put down my thoughts and emotions through our many trials this year. It is where I go to see what's happening with hundreds of friends I wouldn't have time to interact with personally on a daily basis. But it gives me a quick glimpse at everyone and I can laugh with them, see their needs, find out how I can pray, and be encouraged. It's an outlet for me to write down everything that's on my heart that day.

Of course, it can be used for evil just like the car in my driveway can be used to rob a bank. That doesn't make car ownership evil. Sure everyone needs balance in their lives and if you have no real "friends" you might want to step out in the world and meet some folks. But without Facebook, we would have missed a myriad of blessings and ministry from the people who came around us and carried us through it. Without Facebook, I would miss the opportunities to do the same for my friends (some in person and some not). Some of my truest friends are those I've never seen in person. Some of my most fake "friends" are some I know face to face. Friendship cannot be measured by the mechanism of meeting or staying in touch. It is measured by the sacrificial love and ministry to one another. I'm thankful for my friends.

Dear Mark Zuckerberg, I love you. That is all.

My mom

It's been a hell of a winter. My baby had heart surgery on December 5th and that was the most inconsequential thing that happened over the holidays. Her surgery was an complete success and she's doing beautifully, praise the Lord! That's pretty much the only happy thing I've got, but it's a big one.

My mom got very sick just two days after Hannah came home from the hospital. We found out that the cancer spread to her liver and further into her bones. There was also some discrepancy whether or not there was cancer in her brain. The neurologist said yes. The oncologist said no. Turns out the neurologist was right. We limped through Christmas bone tired and recovering from a family-wide stomach bug. Added insult to injury.

Mom continued to get crazy confused and began to lose her ability to speak after the first of the year. They started radiating her brain. She had four treatments. The first day she walked in and signed herself in. The fourth day we carried her in and she could barely form a coherent sentence. It was on that day that I pulled the plug on treatment and we went home on hospice.

Eleven days later my mother died.

Notice I said died. I didn't use the more polite "passed away" or the Christian-ese "went home to be with the Lord". And I believe wholeheartedly that she is with the Lord. It's not that. It's just that using those phrases whitewash what really happened. What really happened was ugly, traumatic, searingly painful, and horrific. I watched my mother in those eleven days have seizures and lose her ability to say anything but chants of 'Help me. Help me. Help me.' I watched her eyes go different directions. I watched her lose her ability to swallow and control her bodily functions. I was on the frontlines for all of it. And it sucked. It haunts me in my quiet moments. I see her bald and wild eyed and afraid. I see her trying to reach out to me but unable to tell me what's wrong. It's too much to bear.

Mom has been gone for three weeks and in some ways it seems like it's been years and in others it seems like just yesterday. I'm left trying to sweep up the pieces of my life that have been strewn around in a mess for so many, many months. My life was consumed with medicine schedules, doctors' appointments, treatments, and her daily care. It was my full time job and now I'm unemployed in a sense. I don't quite know what to do with myself.

I'm trying to figure out how to do life without my mom. I'm not there yet.