Homeschooling Through Grief

I'm putting together an outline for a series of articles or maybe a pamphlet or maybe it will turn into an ebook. Who knows? But I'm thinking through my walk through grief which impacted every single area of my life, one of them being homeschooling. I darn near gave it up. Seriously, I was *this* close to calling it quits and dropping my kids off at the local private school which would have required me to go back to work because private schools require a private fortune! Can I get an amen? That's how burned out I was. I was willing to work a 9 to 5 job outside my house in order to NOT homeschool my children. It was a hard time.

But at the last minute, after the decision had been fretted over and prayed over (more fretted than prayed, if I'm being honest) a co-op opportunity was dropped into my lap and it was the answer to every one of those fretful prayers. So I'm still a homeschooler! But the better thing is that I *want* to be a homeschooler. THAT'S the real miracle here.

What I've discovered as I've walked through five years of multi-layered grief, which was primarily the illness and death of my mother but there were other ugly side issues swirling around lapping at my ankles regarding a pedophile at our church and the subsequent fallout from that, is that it's OK to not be OK. It's not a lack of faith or a lack of holiness to curl up and say, "I'm going to need a minute." And those are the sorts of things I want to write about in my series/pamphlet/ebook. I want to talk about what it looked like for me, what my coping mechanisms were, how it affected my marriage and other relationships, and the guilt and feelings of failure that accompany it all. But mostly I want to talk about what it feels like coming out on the other side.

It's been 18 months since I lost my mother. I'm getting better, more myself, my passions are slowly returning. Colors are brighter, food tastes better, and I smile a lot more than I used to. I'm not there yet but I'm confident I'll get there. In the meantime I want to write about what I've been through and how I navigated that tumultuous time especially as it relates to homeschooling in order to hopefully help some other hurting mom who is in a deep, dark pit of grief and thumbing through the local schools section of the yellow pages. I want that depressed, wiped out, exhausted, sad homeschooling mom to know that this is not forever. The sun does come out again and the Lord heals wounds. Scars remain, but healing does eventually come.

Stay tuned!

I'm a homeschool mom again!

Have you ever noticed the Lord's sense of humor? He has one, you know. I probably mentioned that I lost my love of homeschooling these last three or four years - the last two I mostly hated it and did a pretty terrible job. My poor self-educated children can attest to that. Well, I decided after much prayer, thought, gnashing of teeth, and rending of garments to put my kids into school. We have a wonderful private school here locally that I love and where I know a good many people. The cost is high so this decision required me to go back and get re-certified to teach public school. I began that process because I was going back to work and I was putting my kids in school. There. It was finally decided after two years of indecision and angst.

THE VERY NIGHT after I made that decision for once and for all, I attended a get together of homeschooling moms. I was acquainted with one and the others I had never met. Odd meeting for me to attend the evening after I announced to the world I was punting homeschooling forever and changing the entire dynamic of my world and my identity for the last twenty years, right? Well, the curriculum company I have used for the last 18ish years had a representative coming through town that I had up to that point only met and talked to online. I was excited to meet her face to face so when I found out about the meeting I decided to go - but not say, "Hey, nice to finally meet you. Yeah, I love your materials and I've used them exclusively for nearly two decades but I'm tossing it aside and I don't want to do this homeschooling gig anymore, mkay?"

The meeting was great fun and the ladies were phenomenal (as are all homeschooling moms, fyi) and one of them said she sure wished there was a co-op using our curriculum for her kids. Another said the same thing. I said I had been looking for such a co-op for four years. I have NEEDED such a co-op, especially for the last two years. One discussion led to another and just like that a co-op was born! It will provide the very things I have wished for and prayed for and needed to make me homeschool-whole again! There will be sciences with labs and upper level maths and P.E. (Noah's personal favorite). And I have the fellowship of homeschool moms again! All my long time homeschool mom friends aren't around anymore. (*an odd thing happens when your oldest is 26 and your youngest is 4... your original homeschooling mom friends graduate all their children and you are the elderly grandma in a room of homeschool moms the age of your oldest daughters. Good times.)

In the course of a few hours the Lord answered all my prayers, prayers I prayed for years. He let me get all the way to the end of myself when I had nothing left so I gave up homeschooling. But just like that, He gave it back to me.

I love how He works.

Finding my voice again

Hey dusty old blog. Sorry for the long ignore but I'm still trying to find my way back up onto my feet and into productive life again. I've made good progress, you'll be happy to know! I made it through the first year without my mom. That first anniversary painfully passed but now I feel like I'm gaining some momentum. I made it through the whole church situation, the betrayal, the misunderstandings, the real pain of all that and came out the other side in a new church home that has embraced us and ministered to us through a lot of crap. They are good people. Hands and feet of Christ people. The Lord pulled us out of a mess and put us in this place at exactly the right moment. Isn't it amazing how He does that?

I'm still struggling with homeschooling. I hate it. I think it represents something bad/painful/evil to me for several different reasons, rightly or wrongly. I have been working through why I feel this way and I've gained a lot of understanding but some decisions have been made and others I'm still working on. What I do know is that I'm going to phase out of homeschooling and into private schooling. Not quite sure how that's going to look yet. Details are yet to be determined.

I joined a fitness challenge in January at the encouragement of my sister-in-law and I'm SO glad I did. I think I've mentioned this before but the last four years have been really bad for my health. I gained 40 pounds and was under tremendous long-term stress which took a toll on my physically. Time to get back to the fit healthy person buried under a few tubs of lard. I'm also converting my schoolroom to a home gym. I know, right? Maybe this is what a mid-life crisis feels like.

One thing is for sure. I'm finally happy again. The Lord has been so gentle and faithful. He took me through a severe series of trials that all providentially happened right on top of each other. But He taught me an enormous amount about my own sin, narrowmindedness, judgmental attitude, and ignorance. Ouch. Those lessons are some of the most painful but also some of the most important. I feel like a chapter has closed and a new one is opening. It's going to be a good one. Very different from the life I've been living, but better and more joyful and with a clearer perspective. And I'll talk about it more because I think I'm getting my voice back.

Kissing the Wave

I think all of you know by now that I've been in a difficult season of life. One of the (many) consequences of these last few difficult years is that I lost my mojo in lots of areas of life, but one of the big ones is homeschooling. I have done a pretty terrible job for a while now and I decided I just don't want to do it anymore. I tried for the last six months to get out of it for next year. I looked into a wonderful private school that I love nearby. I looked into numerous co-ops and online classes. I did just about everything outside of hiring a private teacher, chef, and maid to move in with me and take over my life while I sleep it off for a year. And if that were an option, I'd be all over it.

The truth of the matter is I'm struggling to pull myself up out of a prolonged season of mild depression. I don't want to minimize real clinical depression. That is not what I'm dealing with. Mine is more of a loss of enthusiasm for life brought on by a prolonged season of sadness and stress. Life isn't as colorful as it used to be. Chocolate isn't as sweet. Brushing my hair every morning or wearing clothes that match are optional in my world. I'm sad to watch.

But try as I might to get out of doing life, and adulting in general, I can't do it. The Lord has closed every single outpost I've tried to hurl my responsibilities into. He has stopped me, closed every door, shut down every lead, halted every option. Even the lovely math tutor I had lined up for my older girls decided to retire suddenly. Maybe he heard we were coming. Or maybe the Lord has given me a work to do and isn't going to let me back out.

It's not that I didn't love homeschooling at one time. Once it was my life's passion. It was my identity. I was good at it. I spoke at conferences and had a pretty happening blog. People cared what I did with my school day and I shepherded a lot of tentative homeschooling moms as they got their toes wet in the homeschooling culture. It's not like I just have a couple of years to go. I have 14 years left. It's do or die time.

And I'm going to do. I'm going to lean in and embrace this work. It's holy work and the Lord is calling me to lean into it and lean into Him. That's exactly what I am going to do.

“I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.” ~ Charles Spurgeon

Homeschooling is the wave that is throwing me against the God Who called me to it. Sure, it's been a tough season and the wind is out of my sails. But the Lord has spoken pretty clearly. I'm going to put my efforts toward becoming spectacular at homeschooling again and join that community again, and maybe launch a new blog and get back into the conference life again. Those were my people - though most of them have graduated their kids and I find myself coloring my gray hair to fit in with the current, much younger, crop of homeschool moms. But hey, at least we don't wear denim jumpers and Keds anymore. Today's homeschool moms are much more fashionable than us old-school moms were. I think I might get a toe ring.

Tomorrow I'm going to my local convention and I'm going to listen to speakers for the next two days talk about Charlotte Mason and remind me why I love her. And why I love homeschooling. I'm climbing out of this dark hole I've been in and I'm going to write again and take pictures of my kids dissecting frogs and diagramming sentences. This is what the Lord has for me and I'm going to embrace it and do it from a place of rest and renewal leaning into Him for His sustaining grace.

I'm back, y'all!

I didn't take good care of her

My mother died 86 days ago. The first month or so I was sailing along pretty well. I think it was numbness more than wellness. Lately I've found myself hit with grief at the oddest moments. The thing that dominates my thoughts in these moments is knowing that I didn't take good care of her.

Before you write a lovely comment that I did a good job, am a good daughter and all the rest; I know that. I know in my head that I did the best I could with my painfully limited ability. But knowing and feeling are two different things and I don't feel like I did a good job. She suffered and I couldn't relieve her pain. She was a afraid and I couldn't reassure her. She didn't understand what was happening to her and I had no answers. She begged me to help her and I couldn't help her. I couldn't save her. She was sick and I couldn't find the answer. I couldn't find the right doctors, the right medicine, the right surgery, the right treatment regimen. I was wholly inadequate for the job.

I couldn't save her.

My peace comes from knowing it wasn't my job to save her. I know the One who saves. He saved her a long time ago and He completed that redemption 86 days ago. He relieved her pain. He removed all her fears. He had all the answers. He helped her in ways more immeasurable than I can imagine in my mortal mind.

He saved her. I couldn't even come close. For the sake of Christ, I am content with my weakness. I can say with more assurance than ever before, His grace is sufficient.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-11

All The Things

A lot of upheaval and resettling has been going on these last three-ish months. My mom died. In an odd way, that was the beginning of a big exhale rather than the beginning of a season of intense grief. I think the grieving had already begun years ago. I feel it most when things like Jessa Duggar's wedding aired and I knew Mom wanted to see it. Or something happens and I find myself wishing I could call and tell her. But overall, I'm doing far better than I expected and those last horrible weeks of her life haven't haunted me like I thought they would when I was living through it.

So the upheaval... several things. First I wanted to punt homeschooling. I'm burned out and tired of it, if I'm being honest. And I am. I attended the open house for an amazing classical Christian private school nearby. I was ready to sign on the dotted line but it costs lots of money and my children are behind from educational neglect due to these last many caregiving months with my mom. I also received very wise advice that I should not make a serious life-changing decision during the first year after a major loss. My mom was a major loss to me. She was a daily part of our lives and my best friend. Everyone prepares in some way to lose their parents, but the loss of my mother was more than just the loss of my mother. With that in mind, I decided to put private school on the back burner and try to find my homeschooling mojo again. I attended the big Teach Them Diligently homeschooling conference in Nashville and that kindled a little spark. I'm still trying to fan that into a flame. I'll let you know how it goes.

I am also toying with the idea of going back to school. I'm thinking about entering a masters program in nutritional science that has an emphasis on the role of nutrition in the prevention and treatment of cancer. That has been a passion of mine for some time and I'm ready to dig in and learn more about it. But I don't feel like I have my life back in order to the point I'm able to take on something extra. For now I'll toy with the idea and maybe later I'll do it.

My poor children. My poor house. My poor kitchen remodel. All has been neglected and my children have learned how to stay up to all hours and sleep until noon. They need to unlearn that. We have no measurable schedule. Working on that too. And a lot of issues have gone unaddressed like my just-turned-four-year-old still has a pacifier. Not that that's a huge deal but it's something that wouldn't have happened if I had been on top of my game. I've got some work to do.

Overall, besides the painful work of becoming more organized and disciplined, we are all doing remarkably well and the spring weather has gone a long way toward cheering me up. I'm finding my new normal. I think we're going to be OK.

But no promises.

Growing in Grace

My daughter found a notebook today with notes from a marriage conference we attended back when we were heavily entrenched in the patriarchal movement. These lists make me cringe. My apologies to my children for all the warped teaching we heaped upon them during those years.

Earlier today I was having lunch with a friend and I was trying to explain how we got caught up in it all. I told her that because my husband and I came into our marriage impure and quite secular, once Christ changed our hearts we wanted desperately to protect our children from making the same mistakes. The patriarchal movement was just so beautiful and sparkly with its prairie dresses and large families and homeschooling and family integrated churches and wheat grinding and Bible studies at daddy's knee (and there's nothing wrong with any of those things in and of themselves... I still love many of those things). It seduced us into it with the promise that if you just follow these principles, you'll raise godly children that will be protected from sin and heartache and they'll walk into marriage pure as the driven snow, never rebel, and their hearts will belong to their parents and to the Lord all of their days. It was exchanging Christ's righteousness and grace for a mess of pottage. I'm thankful He opened our eyes to our idolatry. I repent of all of it.

But this list, y'all. It's embarrassing.