I didn't take good care of her

My mother died 86 days ago. The first month or so I was sailing along pretty well. I think it was numbness more than wellness. Lately I've found myself hit with grief at the oddest moments. The thing that dominates my thoughts in these moments is knowing that I didn't take good care of her.

Before you write a lovely comment that I did a good job, am a good daughter and all the rest; I know that. I know in my head that I did the best I could with my painfully limited ability. But knowing and feeling are two different things and I don't feel like I did a good job. She suffered and I couldn't relieve her pain. She was a afraid and I couldn't reassure her. She didn't understand what was happening to her and I had no answers. She begged me to help her and I couldn't help her. I couldn't save her. She was sick and I couldn't find the answer. I couldn't find the right doctors, the right medicine, the right surgery, the right treatment regimen. I was wholly inadequate for the job.

I couldn't save her.

My peace comes from knowing it wasn't my job to save her. I know the One who saves. He saved her a long time ago and He completed that redemption 86 days ago. He relieved her pain. He removed all her fears. He had all the answers. He helped her in ways more immeasurable than I can imagine in my mortal mind.

He saved her. I couldn't even come close. For the sake of Christ, I am content with my weakness. I can say with more assurance than ever before, His grace is sufficient.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-11