Kissing the Wave

I think all of you know by now that I've been in a difficult season of life. One of the (many) consequences of these last few difficult years is that I lost my mojo in lots of areas of life, but one of the big ones is homeschooling. I have done a pretty terrible job for a while now and I decided I just don't want to do it anymore. I tried for the last six months to get out of it for next year. I looked into a wonderful private school that I love nearby. I looked into numerous co-ops and online classes. I did just about everything outside of hiring a private teacher, chef, and maid to move in with me and take over my life while I sleep it off for a year. And if that were an option, I'd be all over it.

The truth of the matter is I'm struggling to pull myself up out of a prolonged season of mild depression. I don't want to minimize real clinical depression. That is not what I'm dealing with. Mine is more of a loss of enthusiasm for life brought on by a prolonged season of sadness and stress. Life isn't as colorful as it used to be. Chocolate isn't as sweet. Brushing my hair every morning or wearing clothes that match are optional in my world. I'm sad to watch.

But try as I might to get out of doing life, and adulting in general, I can't do it. The Lord has closed every single outpost I've tried to hurl my responsibilities into. He has stopped me, closed every door, shut down every lead, halted every option. Even the lovely math tutor I had lined up for my older girls decided to retire suddenly. Maybe he heard we were coming. Or maybe the Lord has given me a work to do and isn't going to let me back out.

It's not that I didn't love homeschooling at one time. Once it was my life's passion. It was my identity. I was good at it. I spoke at conferences and had a pretty happening blog. People cared what I did with my school day and I shepherded a lot of tentative homeschooling moms as they got their toes wet in the homeschooling culture. It's not like I just have a couple of years to go. I have 14 years left. It's do or die time.

And I'm going to do. I'm going to lean in and embrace this work. It's holy work and the Lord is calling me to lean into it and lean into Him. That's exactly what I am going to do.

“I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.” ~ Charles Spurgeon

Homeschooling is the wave that is throwing me against the God Who called me to it. Sure, it's been a tough season and the wind is out of my sails. But the Lord has spoken pretty clearly. I'm going to put my efforts toward becoming spectacular at homeschooling again and join that community again, and maybe launch a new blog and get back into the conference life again. Those were my people - though most of them have graduated their kids and I find myself coloring my gray hair to fit in with the current, much younger, crop of homeschool moms. But hey, at least we don't wear denim jumpers and Keds anymore. Today's homeschool moms are much more fashionable than us old-school moms were. I think I might get a toe ring.

Tomorrow I'm going to my local convention and I'm going to listen to speakers for the next two days talk about Charlotte Mason and remind me why I love her. And why I love homeschooling. I'm climbing out of this dark hole I've been in and I'm going to write again and take pictures of my kids dissecting frogs and diagramming sentences. This is what the Lord has for me and I'm going to embrace it and do it from a place of rest and renewal leaning into Him for His sustaining grace.

I'm back, y'all!